I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
