I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
