He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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