did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
