I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
