If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
