I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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