how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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