I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
