if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
