After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
