shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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