need another drink. this is the easiest way
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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