i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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