Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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