guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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