Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize