Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
