The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
