No stitches, just platelets and will power
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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