Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
