Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
