margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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