oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Well I just put wine in my tea
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
