I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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