im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
