When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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