Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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