So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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