My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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