i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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