4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
