i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
operation harelip BJ is a go
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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