im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
