That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
