so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have fence marks all over my body
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
