it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
