There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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