i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
