I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
