I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
