I accidentally had phone sex last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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