i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
