Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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