theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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