overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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