I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
