the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How external is "for external use only"?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
