Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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