I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
