she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She said her name was "party"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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