I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
