I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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