Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
