Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
